I have literally nowhere else to vent so I figure my LJ account where nobody gives a fuck is prob my best bet
1) I made the fucking mistake of messaging my ex like 6/7 months ago basically apologizing and taking responsibility for everything that happened and we've been pretty civil ever since and talking now and again but naturally all of his stories about whhat happened and why were all fucking different again and it's shredding me apart inside because i don't know what's the truth and what isn't, like can i trust him or am i being strung along again?????? the stupidest shit reminds me of him and i keep thinking about our relationship and having stupid fucking dreams about it and it's totally fucking me up, even though i know it shouldn't because i have literally no reason to care anymore because he was always a creepy self-centered jerk. worst part is i cant talk to anybody about it because half these people think i'm an idiot for feeling like this about him in the first place and the other half think im an idiot for ever contacting him in the first place.
2) I hate this fucking island and the miserable drunkards on it, there's literally nothing for me here except a wasted life and zero opportunity and the thought of spending my life on this cold stupid rock is enough to make me consider throwing myself into fucking traffic. i havent left this island in like a decade because i cant afford it. im working minimum wage in a frozen yogurt shop that has shit hours because we're practically running ourselves into the ground because my boss is a fucking sociopath, nowhere else will hire me. ive basically given up on my dream career of working in wildlife rehabilitation because i can't afford to leave the province to get the education i need and my only opportunity at mu second choice as a groomer has already turned me down twice, so im basically stuck in this loop of uselessness and just barely being able to scrape by every paycheck.
3) gave up on art completely because nothing i draw is any good anymore, i cant get anything to look right even if i use the most basic fucking tutorials and i cant draw for longer than 15-20 minutes at a time anyway because of an injury i got in my hand a while ago that makes my whole hand seize up in crazy pain. Like the one thing anybody ever told me i was good at growing up and i fucked it all up by dropping out of the one time i could afford college and then irreparably injure myself so i cant do it anymore. fucking typical
4) im about to go out to the office across the hall and rip dave's speakers outta the fuckin wall and throw them into the goddamn river because if i have to listen to this radio soft rock bullshit this late at night any longer im going to fucking s c r e a m. god fucking help him if a kim mitchell song comes on because then his whole comp's going straight to hell with those speakers too
tldr im not in a great state right now, my life is garbage, my head is full of the usual psycho bullshit and i need to get off this island before i fucking drown myself in my fishtank